Friday, January 19, 2007

Who am I..?

Remember this cartoon series?

Well, this has nothing to do with M.A.S.K.. though I was a huge fan and had a handful of the toys.. :) You can read more about M.A.S.K. at Wikipedia.

Anyway, the tag line is something I find to be very interesting..


Which also reminds me of a quote from Jim Carrey's movie The Mask.

"We all wear mask..."

And not to forget a line from Macy Gray's I Try

"But my smile is just a front"

Whether we do it on purpose or not.. we all actually do wear 'mask' in terms of how we portray ourselves.. I'm one who's totally for it.. I mean, it really is common in this world where TV is still a major source of information and entertainment (now why does that reminds me of RTM? hehe).. We see a guy on TV, and what is shown is what we sub-consciously believe as the real him.. Of course we can differentiate acting and reality but in terms of a TV personality, newscaster, morning show host, etc.. well, these guys are mostly hiding their true self from the viewers.. I'm not saying this in a bad way, but that is the fact.. They wear 'mask' in terms of nice (sponsored) clothes, put on a fair amount of make up (facial mask pun boleh masuk sekali le.. hehe) and smiles cheerfully through out the show.. That's also the reason as to why 'reality stars' frequently say that the image on TV is not the real them..

Previously I had mentioned that life is like a movie, and we are the main star.. so, in accordance to that, we are actually actors that play a certain character according to the story.. Which brings to my point --> We actually decide how we want to be receive by others by choosing what mask we wear.. People's perception is not shaped by what we are (or were) but what we present to them there and then.. Batman is Batman because he wears a bat shaped mask not a red one with web design on it.. Kal El is Clark Kent because he chooses to play a nerdy guy - even though he only puts fake glasses on, nobody can figure out he's actually Superman..
So, if you say you are born shy, it is you yourself that put on the 'shy mask' on constantly that makes even new people that you meet believe that you are shy.. creativeslave85 asked me how to come out of 'the shell'.. Well, you actually can come out of it at every new junction in your life.. at every opportunity of meeting new people, put on the different mask.. Why? Because prior to that, they don't know you and their only perception of you is that of that point and so forth.. For example.. when you enter a new class.. even though only one of them is new to you, his/her image of you is not yet shaped until you portray the mask that you have on.. whatever he/she have heard about you weighs noting to actually seeing it with his/her own eyes..

Some may say this is plain hypocrisy here.. well, if that's how you view it, than it is negative la.. besides, hypocrisy is when you lie or have a hidden agenda.. but if you look at it in a positive and honest way, it will help you build your self-esteem..
Another example.. How do you become a good employee? Do you be a good employee by frowning every time being given a new task? Because if that is the mask you're using, then you've just thrown your talents down the drain! People don't see your talent but see your expression first.. So you can be the good employee by behaving like one.. simple as that.. Now, is that bad? YES, if you just smile for 5 seconds and go about saying "to hell with this" in your heart.. but NO if you put on the mask the whole time you're at the office.. play that 'good employee' role when you work because that is what you did during the interview, and that is what the employer wants to see.. portray that 'charismatic leader' front well when you are given a team to lead.. because sooner or later, you'll actually believe that the mask you are wearing is really you - be it positive or negative! Then, when you go home at the end of a bad day, just take off that mask.. at home, you are not the 'employee' anymore.. leave it for the office, tomorrow's another day.. That's the good thing about wearing a 'mask' - you can always take it off and still be yourself when you choose too.. It might scare a few people when you unveil your true self, but that's quite normal.. :) Also.. when you have mastered this, you'll be able to stop judging a book by its cover and give room to allow other people to have that benefit of the doubt.. Nice way to live.. rite?

Ohh.. if you were wondering, yes, I personally try to walk the talk here.. I've been trying to wear a certain mask but at times my emotions have gotten the better of me.. I've not given up hope yet though.. So, although here I'm the 'sensei' in the blog world, don't be surprised if you catch me as the 'gakusei' (student) asking alot of questions somewhere else.. I got a few masks in my bag.. Because illusion is truely a strong weapon... ;)

By the way, did you know that there are at least 3 layers in the Japanese language?
There's the polite language spoken with people who are of upper level than you, there's the normal language spoken with people of the same level and also language used when speaking with people of below your level. And commonly the 'polite language' is used as a barrier if you don't want that person (of the same level as you) to be personally close to you. Means you speak rudely to those who you want to be you friends.. Funny kan?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Kena 'curi'...

Due to the recent 'progress' at the office, I have somewhat lost the passion to blog.. I really hate it when such things happen.. To me, being passionate about something is what makes me, well, me la..
I had a few topics I wanted to address but I need time to get back into my 'zone'..
yes, other than being a self-proclaim passionate person, I am known to me a very moody person.. ask my mother if you don't believe me.. hehe

Anyway.. as a teaser (or a 'get-my-mood-back') post, I'm going to share with you this song.. I'm not a fan of these guys but they do come out with listenable tunes at times.. Only heard this song about 3 times last week (mostly during my drive back home) and I was hooked.. Since then, I tuned in to that chart show every single day now but I haven't gotten to hear it not even once this week.. and it's driving me nuts.. :P

So.. here's the lyrics.. Enjoy..

Dashboard Confessional

We watch the season
Pull up it's own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

Invitation only
Grant Farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed
Too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor
We are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all
Will sleep well

Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well

you have stolen
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart

Watch you spin around
In your highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
And we..

you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart

There's always a reason for something.. and always more than 1 way to interpert something.. Most of the time we don't see what is really there because we choose not to.. I relate to this song in more ways than one.. ;)

Monday, January 15, 2007

Just my day..

Every once in a while we all face one of those days where you just feel like screaming your lungs out.. Today was mine.. at it's only 10am!! :P

As my daily routine goes, I'd always log-in 1st thing in the morning to see what my fellow bloggers were up to.. I'd leave a comment to show my support or if I got something to say about the subject.. but today, I found out that they (my office) had somehow blocked the comment section.. I could still read the comments though not as convinient (had to click on the title of the post first).. but still it had spoiled my mood for the morning..

And so I went to the pantry to eat my breakfast, like any other day.. but noooo.. as I was taking my 3rd bite, one of the Japanese boss stepped in and said to me "Fauzan, no eating during working hours".. I was speechless.. What the..??!! Atleast I'm eating at the pantry, not in the air-conditioned office! Now, I don't smoke, so I don't go to the pantry every 10 minutes to smoke.. I only go there ONCE in the morning to and ONCE in the afternoon mainly for snacks.. Is that so bad? Seesshhhh..

I was saving this of another day, but I guess today is just as good to share it with you guys.. And to think I was actually looking forward to go to work this wet Monday morning..

P/S: I might not be able to reply any comments for the moment.. Damn!!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

New Year, New Me.. part 3

Pimpin' sensei's Vi.. Here's how I spent my 'rehabilitation' period.. hehe

1 Jan 2007, Monday

1st day of 2007.. Just imagine it's been 10 years since 1997.. and 20 if you count from 1987.. Tak sangka Proton masih produce model Iswara kan? :P
New year's day was spent with another outing.. the whole family went to IKEA.. Didn't plan on buying anything in particular but I did bought a baby chair for Amani.. more or less as her birthday present.. :) I wanted to get a car magazine for reference but nothing caught my interest.. My sister headed back home later that evening..

2 Jan 2007, Tuesday

My wife had to go to the office so I accompanied her to try out my new notebook's wi-fi function.. 'lucky' for me most of the net was still down due to the Taiwan earthquake.. :(
On the way back we went window shopping for car accessories around Selayang and Gombak.. I kinda got a rough idea on how I was gonna pimp my ride.. ;) Cik Ju sefamili dropped by later that evening.. Dia bawak ole-ole dari kampung.. my favourite rambutans! And as I was chatting with Uncle Bad, the topic of rims and tyres came up..Coincidently he had just changed his rims and tyres that day in Klang and since he was a regular customer, he could get a far more better deal then what I had surveyed earlier..Since he was on leave until Friday, I made a appointment with him to check out the shop the next day.. :)

3 Jan 2007, Wednesday

First thing on the list was the follow up check up.. Doc took out the plastic thingy from my nose and I was given MC until Friday.. Yeayy :)
Next was getting new 'shoes' for sensei's Vi.. Here are the pics..

Last shot - this is the last time you'll see sensei's Vi in it's original form.. :)

Mix and match.. sensei's Vi trying out the choises available..

Red Nuts.. I told you I'm nuts for red.. hehe

Goodbye boyz.. These dudes got me around a good 30,000km :')

Daddy got me new shoes.. Cool huh? :)

4 Jan 2007, Thursday

Refreshing my ride.. sensei's Vi sent for service..Also found time to survey for mirror tinting prices and shop for sticker (only bought basic black, white and reflective silver stripe)..

Refreshed - sensei's Vi getting a well deserved shower..

First try.. had too start small to see how it'll look like..

5 Jan 2007, Friday

New shades.. Accessories hunting.. got the spoiler and stabilizer/lower bar and had them installed later that afternoon..

Matching colour stabilizer bar.. again, red.. hehe..

Getting pierced.. spoiler installation required holes drilled to sensei's Vi.. ouch!

6 Jan 2007, Saturday

Took a test drive to Melaka for my best friend's wedding.. He had asked me to be the pengapit during akad nikah but I couldn't fulfill his wishes as I was still in the hospital that day.. :(
Anyhow, I was really happy for him.. Selamat BerBAHGIA (that's his name - Bahgia)

7 Jan 2007, Sunday

Woke up early to work on the hood design and side door stickers.. very time consuming and stressful.. finished up everything around 5pm.. I was quite satisfied with the end result as I got everthing done as planned except the headlamps.. still hunting for that one.. maybe later on laa.. ;)

What was initially designed.. I used Microsoft Paint for this..

Actual finished product.. I think this one looks better.. kan?

The Top 4 List - It was supposed to be my Top 5 Best 80s Rock Band but I couldn't decide on the 5th.. well, maybe later.. :P

I finally did it!

One from the back.. ;)

Check out the babe! - Amani striking a killer pose..

Wanna go for a spin? - Amani tak sabar nak ajak jalan.. hehe

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

New Year, New Me.. part 2

Cronicles of my operation.. :P

-- Disclaimer --
Some of the visual my be gruesome, readers discretion advised

26 Dec 2006, Tuesday

After the 'mental preparation' session in Penang, I was admitted to Selangor Medical Center (SMC).. My appointment with the Dr Satwant was at 11am, took my sweet time.. had to shave off my 1 year old misai.. It was my 1st time being warded so I didn't know what to expect.. food was okay, I cleared up my 1st meal within minutes (something I couldn't do for the rest of my stay there).. A doctor came to see me later that afternoon.. she was the pakar bius.. she said she'll see me the next day in OR but I never did saw her.. :P

Smile while you still can.. hehe

My name is not Ahmad Fauzan Satwant!

The day went slow as I had nothing to do.. and I found out the night was even worse as I had to be extra patient with the other patients in that 4 bedded room.. The guy next to me is the 'Menteri Kerjaraya'.. I call him that because his phones kept ringing every time I was about to dozed off.. call tak putus-putus! After the fixed line, handphone pulak bunyi.. this went on until 2am at times.. :P

The guy in front was the 'Pengacara Sukan'.. He's constantly switched on to ESPN.. at full volume! Imagine trying to sleep with 'live from the stadium sound'..

The guy next to him was okay unless he has visitors.. He's an elderly man (diabetic, amputee) so he constantly gets visits from his big family.. which most of them don't even know each other.. I know this because they had no volume control too.. or maybe perhaps they talk loud because they couldn't hear their own voice over the 'live from the stadium sound'.. hehe

Despite all that and my nervousness, I still managed to get some shut eyes that night..

Still smiling.. don't we look very much alike? ;)

27 Dec 2006, Wednesday

Operation day.. Nurses came early to drop off my 'attire'.. I was confused whether to tie the knot in front or at the back.. :P
Got to watch MHI and saw Misha Omar's Nafas Cahaya.. Nafas.. hmmm.. macam petanda pulak.. hehe.. At around 9-something they brought me to X-ray.. no, not for my nose but my lungs.. it seems that they are worried about my cough.. I've had it for over a week.. my Doc says it because of the blockage and the nanah has reached my throat or something nasty like that.. From X-rays, I went straight to OR.. The stretcher was waiting for me and I was wheeled in soon after.. Managed to salam and mintak maaf to my mom and wife.. It was around 9:40am..

See you on the flipside!

Inside was the OR-waiting-area.. this is where the patients wait for their turn.. I was not yet under medication but was already feeling sleepy.. hehe.. there was a patient already snoring while the aunty next to me was being explained of the anesthetic by a Doc.. I had to wait a good 20 minutes before entering the actual OR..
the Doc explain more or less the same thing he said to the aunty and his assistant poked me with a needle.. then he injected the anesthetic and put the mask over me..
The Doc asked to breathe normally and as I heard them talking about a dinner and some kind of collection....... I heard voices of my Doc and someone mentioning my name.. I remember shaking his hands.. felt pedih kat hidung.. I was on my side thinking "what happen?", "It must be over by now".. I tried to open my eyes and searched for the clock on the wall.. I had missed about an hour of my life!!
I remembered the nurses mentioning about blood and they changed my clothes.. I felt very cold and was shivering like Jack in Titanic.. seriously! They cleaned up the blood on the oxygen mask and as I was stable (from being cold) they let me lie on my back (45 degrees upright).. It felt like someone had made a punching bag out of my face and I felt like they've pulled out all my front teeth.. Soon another patient was being wheeled in and as that guy vomited, I did too.. :P I'm a known lover of red colour, but seeing a kidney bowl full of blood red liquid is not something I'd like to see again.. :P They waited a good 20+ minutes or so before someone came to fetch me back to the ward.. My mom and wife was just outside the door rupanya.. I thought they were waiting at the ward.. feels good to have your loved ones at that time.. :)

The next few hours was like hell.. had a headache the size of Stadium Bukit Jalil and my face felt sengal.. the things I mention above also didn't help much.. 'live from the stadium sounds' was killing me!! I couldn't recall much what happened that day but Cik Ju (my mother's sister) came with grapes.. it was the only thing I could and wanted to eat.. then later that night Blind Sight member Zafi came with Kak Ju.. my wife stayed on to look after me as I was still dizzy & weary..

Damn, I sooo wasted.. hehe

I little part of me.. Don't ask, I don't know where it came from either.. :P

28 Dec 2006, Thursday

Woke up almost every hour that night.. I figured I only got about 2-3 hours of sleep.. The headache was still there and my face still felt like I was the looser in Contender.. My friend Ms Tay who is also my insurance agent came to visit around lunch time.. see help me out to get a 2 bedded room and finally I got to rest in a peaceful environment.. My brother-in-law came with my mother-in-law later that day.. my niece cried seeing the plaster on my nose.. hehe.. Cik Ju also dropped by on the way going back to kampung for Raya.. yeah Raya Haji, I totally forgot about that.. hehe.. My mom came and my wife went back home.. she hadn't had a decent rest since yesterday and had to work the next day.. I totally appreciate her devotion and sacrifice.. My love for her has grown more and I promised myself to treat her better in the future.. (syy.. don't tell her that, malu la.. hehe) Ohh.. and Syamson also came to visit.. he brought some grapes.. :)

By the way, Dr Satwant came with some bad news that day.. he said I'd probably be in until Saturday.. the pain in my face felt worse after hearing that.. :P

Dressing change - Hey! I was not checking her out OK!?

29 Dec 2006, Friday

I was dreading the day.. I was only looking forward to the Doc to take out the 'tampon' in my nostril and hope that he'd let me go back home.. My boss came with the company driver to visit.. he had to go to KL and dropped by on the way back to the office.. that was kind of him..

Doc came around 2pm.. with a tug, the tampon was out and blood was squirting out.. He said all have to do is to apply 15-20mins of pressure on my nose to make it stop..
Then, he gave me the best news the whole day - I could go back for the holidays as he too wouldn't be in.. he asked me to come back early Wednesday morning.. there was another plastic thingy that was needed to be removed.. Home sweet home!! My wife came straight after work and drove us back.. I wanted to drive but the weren't sure if I could.. hehe.. We stopped at the mamak stall to 'tapau' Nasi Goreng Ayam as I had a craving for it.. ;)

Look at the size of that thing! How the hell did they put it in in the first place?

30 Dec 2006, Saturday

Nothing much happen.. Went to Giant.. still had some nose bleed, it was really annoying so I bought a few masks.. :P

31 Dec 2006, Sunday

Hari Raya, or something like that.. didn't do anything special.. my sister came and cooked Nasi Ayam Lebanon.. her in-laws also came to visit.. Finally got to watched Star Wars Episode III on Astro that night.. Didn't notice it was already 2007.. hehehe...

One thing I have to mention.. after watching Episode III, I had a slight revaluation of my life.. I could really relate to Skywalker Sr... besides, the way Darth Vader breathe reminded me of how I sounded like in the hospital.. Huuuuu huuuu... <-- through the mouth that is.. hihi
Anakin was talented and had a chance to be 'the One' but he was too eager to a be a Master Jedi and couldn't control his emotions.. Acting on emotion is what destroyed Anakin and those who were important to him.. it felt like I've been doing that alot lately.. I don't want to slip further into the 'dark side'.. I've spend most of 2006 with a negative perspective and 2007 should be a good point to start making that change.. That was my first new year's resolution.. ;)

To be continued..

Monday, January 08, 2007

New Year, New Me.. part 1

This is my first post for 2007.. :)
I'll be updating on what had happen during my 'absence'..
Hard to believe 2 weeks went by so fast.. :P

23 Dec 2006, Saturday

Went out on a date with my wife to celebrate our 2nd anniversary a day early.. was schedule for a movie but got caught up with something else and ended up buying a new laptop.. also managed to 'persuade' my wife to buy me 3 CDs, Aerosmith's Devil's Got A New Disguise, Motley Crue's Red White & Crue and INXS' Definitive.. they were a bargain! :)

FYI, I got my wife a Smart Tag kitt.. so she could have a more pleasant drive to and back from work

24 Dec 2006, Sunday

Went to Penang.. Last minute decision to visit my uncle (Cik Din) who had been warded for over a week due to kidney failure.. I also took it as a way to prepare myself mentally to be warded for my septhoplasty a few days later.. I planned to leave the house at 4am and come back on the same day, but had to delay almost 3 hours partly because I woke up late.. hehe.. The journey was pleasant with BGM courtesy of the new CDs.. hehe..

We made 2 stops - 1 because 'nature called me' and the 2nd for breakfast.. The R&R was refreshing and clean but I can't remember the name of the place.. Arrived in Penang quite early, just before 11am.. we took the bridge.. Has a nostalgic moment when I passed the midway mark as I was reminded of "Larian Jambatan Pulau Pinang" which I ran with my late father back in 1985/1986..

At the R&R - Amani tension terjaga dari tidur..

sensei's Vi was 'hungry' by that time and I had to fill her up before going to the hospital.. we had already passed the hospital and I was totally sure where it was
when the unthinkable happen.. We couldn't turn right at the junction and this caused us to make a big circle and I lost my way.. We were spinning around for about
an hour before we found the hospital again.. Damn those "Jalan Sehala" signs!!.. hehe..

When we finally got there, Cik Din was looking better and could already walk on his own again.. but he looked tired and had lost quite a number of KGs.. I always had a soft spot for him as he did live with my family during his bachelor days and more like a brother to me.. He was also the 1st to come to KL when he heard about my father's condition and offered to donate his bone marrow when half of my father's siblings didn't even want to take the test.. Cik Din is a quiet but very kind man.. such a big heart he has, and this incident has really come at the worst possible time - going to school preparation at it's peek (Cik Din has 4 out of 5 kids going to school this year)

Cik Din showing where the dialysist tube goes to - People, PLEASE take care of your health!

We spent most of the day at the hospital sembang-sembang.. We had lunch at a Nasi Kandar restaurant near by.. Pehhhh... Dah lama tak makan nasi kandar!! I could still smell the curry.. <-- something I planted in my head in case I lost my sense of smell after my operation... :P Like I said the original plan was to go back the same day but since we were at the hospital until late afternoon, plus some persuasion we stopped by my auntie's house at Seberang Prai for the night.. We took the ferry this time around.. I haven't been on one since.. hmmmm.. almost 10 years.. Most of the ferries are older than me and it was quite scary to see all the rusted parts.. as people we enjoying the evening breeze, I was checking out where the life jackets were.. hehe..

All aboard!!

Good bye Penang..

25 Dec 2006, Monday

Got up early and left for KL around 9ish.. Met Tun Mahathir and Tun Hasmah at Tapah R&R.. I was headed for the loo (my family was looking for seat at the food court) when I saw a crowd in front of a fruit stall.. Didn't trust anyone hold my handphone and took a picture of me and Tun so I just shook his hands (salam cium tangan.. lembut betul tangan dia.. hehe) and snapped this picture..

The TUNs.. Still going strong

No other highlights for the day.. :)

To be continued..